1. Due to its widespread use on the so-called ‘Information Superhighway’, and so that growing anti-European sentiments in Britain may be reassured about the importance of Britain’s role in the European Union, the European Parliament has taken the unprecedented step of selecting one language – English – to become the preferred common language of the European Union.
2. In order to expedite this process and to speed congruence, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasability study of ways in which communications between departments of member governments can be made more effective. Its main recommendations are summarised below.
3. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily complicated and illogical – for example, the different sounds of cough, plough and rough, or heard and beard. There is a clear need for a phased programme of changes to eliminate these anomalies. The programme would, of course, require administration by a committee whose members would be supplied by participating nations.
4. During the first year of implementation, it is envisaged that the soft “c” will be replaced by the more phonetically correct letter “s”. This will sertainly be resieved favourably by sivil servants in many European sities, and will insidentally render the “i” before “e” exsept after “c” rule unnesessary. The logical replasement of the hard “c” by the letter “k” will follow, due to the similarity in pronunsiation. This konkomitant step will, insidentally, not only klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but also klarify word prosessing sinse it kompletely removes the need for one of the letters on the keyboard.
5. The sekond stage will see the digraph “ph” written as “f”. In addition to the fonetik logik of this move, words such as “fotograf” will be twenty per sent shorter.
6. The third fase will involve the removal of double letters in words. In many instanses, double leters do not afekt the aktual pronunsiation of a word. They are, however, a comon deterent to akurate speling.
7. The fourth element will be the elimination of silent “e”s from the languag. Thes ar often stal reliks of past spelings. They do litl to enhans writen English and it is antisipated that they kould be droped with eas.
8. By this point, the Komision antisipats that publik akseptans of the changes will be at a high level. It wil thus be posibl to promot som other, smaler, but stil posibly kontentious, changes. For exampl, the unesesary “o” kan be droped from words kontaining the “ou” digraf. A similar proses kuld then be aplid to other vowel and konsonant kombinashuns.
9. However, no konseshun wuld yet hav ben mad to Uropean sensibilitis. To tak kar of som of the komon difikultis enkountered by non-nativ spekers, it wuld be sensibl for the “th” digraf to be replased by “z”. Ze funkshun of ze “w” kan zen be taken by ze letter “v”, vich is, of kors, half a “w” in any kas.
10. Zis proses vil kontinu, in a kumulativ fashun. Eventuli English vil be ze komon languag ov ze Komuniti, vich vil no longer be merly an ekonomik sifer, but a kominashun ov fre pepls. Ve shal kontinu to red and rit as zo nuzing has hapend. Evrivun vil no vot ze uzer sitizens ar saying and komunkashun vil be mutch ezier. Ze Komuniti vil hav achevd its objektivs ov congrewents and ze drems ov ze pepls of Urop vil finali hav kum tru. It is hopd zat zes signifikant konseshuns vil finaly reashor ze “Uroskeptiks”!
From an email that was floating around a couple years back but very timely today!